Why and How

WHY?

This is a question that seems to not be leaving my mind.

I do not understand Why it had to be me, Why it had to be my daughter, Why I need to be tested like this?

People are telling me that she was given to me because I am the perfect parent for her. Although in the spiritual angle it makes sense, my heart is not content with this answer.

HOW?

This is another question that is lingering in my head. How did come to be this way? How am I going to do this? How did this happen? My own mother even asked me if i did something to have caused this.... I find it a very insensitive question. Doesn't she think that I've asked myself the same question a million times and retracing the steps of my pregnancy I cannot recall anything that I did, that I didn't do, that I over did, or that I didn't do enough of. I have no one and nothing to blame and this just makes it harder because I am carrying around this guilt and anger all by myself and I cannot throw it at anyone.

Guilt and Anger are not easy emotions to carry around.

People tell me that I can do this.
"You can do this Donna. You can do this."

I feel that I cant.
Why will I have to do this?
Why should I be the one to have to do this?
What if I don't want to be the one to have to do this?

I was not given a choice.

There are no satisfactory answers... there are no words that seem to encourage me.

My fate is unfathomable.