I have always been a believer. I believe that God is the author of my life and he orchestrated the events that lead to where I am now.
I would have to admit, though, that in the past my faith was not that strong nor did I have an active involvement in my faith. I did not hear mass regularly nor were there any crosses or deity images found in my home. I was not doing your usual Christian duties but I made sure that I would treat others much like how I would like to be treated. I prayed, we taught our son some prayers, and we would talk about God in our home every now and then. I had a simple relationship with God.
About half a year ago my husband and I decided to work on our faith. We decided to join this church group for couples/families. We eventually started hearing mass every Sunday, had my son attend Sunday school, participate in charitable activities through the church, etc. My husband even joined the men’s church choir. We figured that we have been immensely blessed in our life and that the only thing seemingly lacking was stronger faith. So we started working on the spiritual aspect of our life. We were surrounded by godly people, we would gather in prayer and sing hymns of praise. We would discuss things that would help improve ourselves, our relationship to our spouses, and the rearing of our children. We supported and depended on each other. We are thankful for having met this people… and again we’ve been blessed.
As time went on, we found ourselves growing closer and closer to the lord. We have never felt this closeness to him before and it was bliss. At that point I can say that our spiritual relationship with the Lord has gone deeper… it was no longer (for lack of a better adjective) that of the convenient kind.
We prayed every day. We praised and thanked him for our jobs, for the food on our table, for the smile on our son’s face, for the gift of lessons we have learned yesterday, for the blessings of today, for the good promise of tomorrow, for the love in our home, for the joy in our hearts, for having good friends, for our health, for my unborn baby’s health, etc.
When complications in my pregnancy started to happen, we prayed harder. God is good and God will heal. I believed.
When Isabella was finally born and more bad news kept coming, we continued to pray. God is good and God will heal. I believed.
When the diagnosis came…. I stopped praying.
Was God really good?
Why did God not heal?
Where are you? I needed you, where are you?
Why me? Why my daughter?
Why did he choose me? I don’t want to be chosen for this task.
For comfort and encouragement people started telling me things such as, “Everything has a reason.”, “God has a plan.”
What’s his reason? To push me away?
What’s his plan? To crush my spirit?
Why now when I chose to be closer to him?
I then heard a voice in my head and it said…
“My child you didn’t choose to come to me, I called you because I knew you were going to really need me.”
He’s right... I do need him. I need him to take over, to take charge. He gave me this challenge and I need his help to get through this. He will give me the patience and the strength to keep moving forward. I need to let go and surrender to his will so that I can see it through to the promise that awaits me. He will carry me.
I trust you Lord.
God is good.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11