A Loss...

When I'm faced with a problem I usually tell myself that I will be stronger after this... but in this case I guess it does not necessarily apply because this time, there is no "after this". This situation will be a constant.

When I conceived Isabella I weaved dreams for her. I pictured us dancing and singing together. I pictured us wearing matching outfits. I will make sure that i will be there to support her and encourage her to achieve her dreams. We will go to hula dance classes together and we will be singing our lungs out. We were going to be like best friends. Now all of my dreams are gone. How do I go about parenting my dream child when the one that was given to me has all these congenital anomalies and will have severe mental retardation and global developmental delays?

I feel a loss... almost like somebody died. I guess in a way someone did... my "perfect" child died and I am grieving for my loss.