All that driving back and forth and being governed by the clock to keep up with bedside meetings with doctors and specialists and feedings and tests made the days go by without us knowing. I hardly knew what day it was. It was almost Christmas but the usual celebratory spirit in me was not present. We lost track of time.
My husband and I then talked about it and decided that we should be home Christmas Eve and Christmas day, after all we do have another child at home and he deserves to have a Christmas even if we don't feel very "Christmas-y". I felt guilty leaving the hospital to "celebrate", when my daughter was still strapped onto gadgets and gizmos. My husband assured me that my daughter has a team of nurses to take care of her and that she will be fine. I remember asking the NICU nurse if it was okay for us to leave her for a couple of days and she assured me that it was fine and I choked on my tears as we were saying goodbye.
We do need to give our other child our time. He needs us too.
So we went home, I cooked, we had a meal, we baked cookies for Santa, we had a small party and we exchanged presents.
Although this Christmas didn't really feel much like the holidays, next Christmas was just a year away and we are going to celebrate it as a family of four.
Here is a picture of my son...