Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Letting Go of My "Perfect" Child

Dear Perfect Child,

If you were here you would have been crawling by now. You would have been holding your head up steadily and can manage to sit. Perhaps by now you are already able to expertly roll from side to back, back to side, and from your tummy to your belly up. I would probably need to keep a really close eye on you so that you don’t roll off the bed.

If you were here, you could’ve have been eating semi solid foods and make a big mess at feeding time. You would have already stained a lot of your clothes with the pureed vegetables and fruits. I could have already enjoyed seeing your many different facial expressions from your first discovery of varied textures and tastes.

If you were here, you would have already been touching my face and cry when you do not see me or when I leave each morning for work. You would want for me to carry you a lot and snuggle on my chest, and I will try my very best to not complain about how heavy you’ve been getting.

If you were here, you would be putting everything in your mouth, including your toes. You would have already been exploring toys that light up, move and make music. And this will be amusing for you to watch, even if it can only hold your interest for a brief moment.

If you were here, we would have already had a lot of back and forth coo conversations. I would probably already heard a lot of shrieks, and babbles, and mmmmms. I would have already heard your cute little baby giggle.

If you were here I would have already gone through 2, maybe 3 sets of baby clothes that you have outgrown and you would have been able to wear your little dresses, your cute tights, and have a pretty ribbon on your round bald head. You would also have been drooling all over your cute clothes.

If you were here I would not be feeling this tremendous longing.

But you are not here.

If you were here I would not have the need to write this.

But you are not here.

You are not here because god has chosen me to do a special task. He chose for me to go through a different journey… one that will change me immensely. One that makes me feel pain and loss, in order for me to fully appreciate joy. One that tests the limits of my spirit and strength.

Instead of you, he chose me to have Isabella, because God wanted me to have a better outlook on living. Because he trusts that I am better able to take care of someone “special” instead of someone “perfect”. He wanted me to do this unique task so I can have an extraordinary life. And because of this, I am humbled... and because I am humbled, I am blessed.

And because you are not here, I need to let you go so that I can be a better mom to my daughter. I need to let go of the idea of having you, and as agonizing as this may be, I have to.

... Goodbye my perfect child...

Should you ever wonder though, I wanted to have you. But God had other plans. He had another child that he deemed perfect for me to have.



Kisses4Kaylee said...

This made me cry. I can feel your longing and your sense of loss, while at the same time, I can feel your growing courage and strength. I love the way you say that God trusted you to take care of someone "special" instead of someone "perfect." I will carry that line in my heart forever, and I will use it as inspiration on the days when I still grieve the loss of my own "perfect" little girl. Yet-- do not feel as though you may never know the joy of having that "perfect" child. He/she may yet come; God knows that you have plenty of love to give!
<3, Laurie

maggierr said...

I have never posted before for because I felt that I didn't have the right to do so because I could not relate to your experience with WHS. I often found myself posting a comment and deliting it. I have typed and erase this comment twice already. I am often humbled and proud to be your friend. I have also found myself ashamed for not do more to help my friend and as my husband has told me many times that I am a bad friend because I don't communicate my feelings well. So this is my attemt to start now. I have to say that we all want the "perfect child" but really what is the perfect child does anyone know. And if we all had the perfect child how boring would the world be. I think we all have different struggles and that is what makes us unique. You have your perfect child in Isa like I have my perfect child in David. With all their unique needs because they are who they are and they will love us as we love them unconditionally.

Anonymous said...

i feel like i had grieved for so long and so hard for my son and his diagnosis, it is amazing how those feelings of grief are felt by you and i can understand you so completely by your writings. my son is two and just recently i have come to peace and more acceptance by realizing that the son that God intended me to have was not the son i had hoped for, it was a child with whs and he is special and one of the sweetest little boys i know. thanks so much for sharing, i believe the greiving does come in stages almost like you rides the waves, sometimes the water is calm and others times the water completely overtakes you and feel like you are drowning in greif and sadness. Tomiko

Jolene said...

I know how you feel, I often cry when I think about what my daughter "should" be doing at her age! She is 3 and her brother is 5, they are only 22 months apart, they should be playing with each other, but because my daughter can't talk yet, they don't! It breaks my heart when I see my son play with another child my daughters age, I just think that should be them playing like that, ugh! But at the same time I am just so happy that my daughter is here with me!