Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Roller Coaster

Worry, worry, worry, pray, pray, hope, pray, shock, SHOCK! Scary.. shattered.

Denial, No, No, No, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sad, cry, sympathy, condolences, grief, grief, mourn.

delusions, demented, development, daughter, dream, dead, diagnosis, deletion detected, de novo... defeat.. DELIVERANCE!

demons, demons, drive away the demons!


Fear, unknown, lost, loss, grief, anguish, scared, anxious.

Anger, anxiety, adapt, accept? accept? accept? Disillusion.

Research, reason, reassurance, reassurance, reality? reality? really? REALITY!!!

Alone, isolated, alienated, uncertain, paralyzed, pity, pathetic

Envy, empty... erase, escape, emotional.

Hateful, negative, bitter, resentful, rebellious, remember, retrace, regress.

Disappointed, disheartened, devastated, discouraged, pessimistic, dying, despair, depressed…. deeply depressed.

Incapable, incapacitated, suicidal, discouraged… tired.

condition, cause? chromosome, CRAP!.. confusion, clueless, composure, CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY... karma? QUIEEETTTT!

Cornered, no cure! Crushed, cursed? Cry, Release, regret, resent, restless…. Tears… rain, rain, rain.

Shame, guilt, skeptical, distrustful, sulk, misery.

Nothing, numb, nonchalant, empty, woe, why? Why? Why? WHY?

Fate or faith? Pray, pray, pray… PRAY!

Suppress, silent screams, SCREAM! SCARED! Sigh, sigh, sigh…

Singled, random, special needs, syndrome…. Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry. I’M SO SORRY!

Victimized, robbed, ripped off, wronged, run, run far, far away?

Forever dependent… future? What future? Cannot fathom? Fear… FEAR!

Dark dark dark tunnel? Light at end of tunnel? Freight Train at end of tunnel? Fireflies flickering in the tunnel? Dark, dark, dark….

Grief, guilt, gray area, gone, give in…Gasp! Gosh! Just Go, Go Go! Gotta Keep on going, going, going!

Truth… bitter truth…. Tragic or Test? Need time, time, time

Lifeless, dejected, dismayed, suicidal, death wish. Doomed? Damned? DAMN!

Reserved, suspicious, wary, preoccupied, People, paranoid… people, pity, self pity… pretend, pretend, pretend.

Inferior, sensitive, insensitive, annoyed, insulting, unwelcome… understand… understand, understand. Unsure, but keep trying to UNDERSTAND!

Humiliated or humility? Humble, humble, hoping, hoping… HELP!.

Bruised, Broken… Burden or blessed? Blessed… blessed… blessed. Baby, Baby, Baby.

No, No, No, NOOOOOOOO! Yes.. yes… yes… yes.

Weak, Where? Wait… worry, worry, WHAT? Woe... WHY! WHY! WHY!

Therapy, Specialists, Hospital, health, heal, please heal… but How? How? HOW?

Pain or patience? Panic, Patience…. Patience…. patience. PLEASE!!!

Forward, forward, backward, forward, forward, forward, backward, forward… keep on going forward.

Skeptic, sarcasm, sorrow…strength, strength, need SPIRITUAL STRENGTH!

Optimistic? Not yet…. Open, open, open. Okay…. It will be okay. It will be okay.

Unsure, uncertain, upset, cannot undo… understand, understand, UNDERSTAND!

Anxiety again and again, and again, and again.

Explain, explain, explain over and over and over...

Endure?... Eventually.

Someday.. soon, soon, soon, soon, soon.

Proactive, progress, progress… paralyzed… progress… paralyzed again… progress again.

Challenge, change, change, change.. CHANGE!

Advocate, adjust, adapt, accept? accept? ACCEPT!

Enriched? Lucky? Gift? Growth? Learning? LORD HELP ME!

Receive, surrender, let go…. Thy will be done.

Grace? Joy? Hope? Love? Peace?

God is Good… God is good.. God is good.


Anna said...

What a powerful post.
I know I have felt all those things over the course of the last 8 years. The words will change though. You will find your way through this.

Kisses4Kaylee said...

Wow! That poem is incredibly powerful and speaks volumes about the struggle you (we) are going through. Of course, I know Isabella has some additional challenges that I know must test you to your limits and cause you to lose sleep. However-- do not give up hope...or your faith. Isabella is in my prayers always, as are you. I may not be the most religious person, but I believe in miracles. Bella will prove to be a beautiful miracle. Much love! xo