When faced with a difficult situation we need to find a means to cope. In the process of coping we will find ourselves in a state of anxiety which results in feelings of mental and emotional tension and/or stress.
When anxiety is felt, our mind responds by seeking a means to problem solve its way through the anxiety, either to reduce it or to get rid of it completely. When the nature of the problem is so complex, we sought to find mechanisms to defend ourselves, our bruised egos.
A typical reaction to protect the self is taking oneself away, often times physically, from the unpleasant situation… your rational means to escape.
But what if you cannot escape the unpleasant situation? What do you do then?
I am coping the best way I can. I have found myself resorting to healthy and unhealthy means to cope. Means that were not thought of deliberately, nor result in actions that were intentional. Means that lead me to an unconscious route to try and transform reality… my reality.
I have intellectualized my situation to objectively understand it.
I have rationalized to the point that I have created false justifications.
I have found myself in moments of regression, crying my eyes out while in fetal position.
I have resorted to avoiding the queries about my issue, including my own mind’s queries about my issues.
I have had many moments of emotionality, having outbursts, manifesting extreme emotions, and acting out like a child having a tantrum to the point that my husband needed to push me in the shower so I will calm down.
I have inhibited myself from making goals and lowering my expectations of my daughter… yes to the point of seeing her as a statistic and not giving her enough credit.
I have delved into a world of fantasy every now and then… one that involves a miraculous cure to undo the syndrome, or that the cysts in my daughter’s head will press on something to heighten her other senses (like having super powers).
I have idealized trying to ignore the negatives and focus only on the positives.
I have found myself sometimes procrastinating and delaying so my husband or my mother in law would put in more care time for my daughter.
I have found myself in a state of pretense… a state of denial that I am doing alright, that I am strong, that I can do this, that everything is okay.
I have found myself repressing thoughts trying to stop myself from thinking dark things.
I have found myself trying to find the humor out of this situation, only to realize that it is more of witty sarcasm that is spewing sporadically from out of my mouth.
I have found myself resorting to symbolization by turning my thoughts (good and bad) into metaphors.
I have trivialized my circumstance to try and pretend that this arduous predicament I am in is not that big of a deal.
I have thought of ways to “undo” things to reverse the present, but there is no such thing as “undoing” (I don’t think I can grow a chromosome arm on a petri dish).
I have, a million times, flexed and cartwheeled and stretched the boundaries of my cognition to find understanding. BUT the coping mechanisms I have resorted to have not really helped lessen the anxiety. The coping mechanisms are not a cure to my situation. It is only a means to adapt to the situation… mechanisms (including writing) that provide a temporary means to escape.
There is still this constant worry about Isabella’s outlook.
There is still this constant fear of the unknown future.
And I feel powerless… helpless in my daily confrontation with reality.
But I try… I really try.
Eventually I know I will get to that place where I will find myself transformed and I am once a gain a fully emotionally healthy functioning part of society.
I try…. every second of every moment of everyday I try my best.