Now why would I even think this? You see, I did have a complicated childhood. My dad passed when I was young and we were raised by our mom. My mom, from my perspective was very critical, at times physically abusive, and many times verbally abusive. She was also rarely at home. I felt that, for the most part, I was really raised by the nanny and eventually by ourselves. I had many mommy baggages… trunkloads of mommy issues. This is why for a time after my son was born, I didn’t want any more children, and should I have another one, I wanted another boy. But, as luck would have it, around August of 2009, the ultrasound tech surprised me with the news that I was pregnant with a girl. And I was terrified with the impending future that a girl would be an emotional roller coaster ride. I was already scared of the what ifs and the prospective emotional damage that I would be accused of inflicting that my daughter would angrily hurl at me when she comes of age. I was already thinking of whatevers and scenarios to always be conscientious of what I went through so as not to inflict the same scars that I used to bear. But I know that I can’t be the perfect parent, but I can certainly try. And so, I made a promise to myself to be the best mommy in the world, and when I was pregnant with Isay, I prayed to God every night to help me through raising a daughter of my own.
Then came the diagnosis and the shattering of dreams… and of course that mommy guilt magnified ten times over.
It was later on that I realized that since I prayed to become the best mommy in the world it was exactly what was presented to me… The opportunity to become the best mommy in the world… or to at least keep trying to be. Not in the way that I conjured it to be, rather to be that mommy that will support her daughter every step of the way… that mommy that will not leave no matter the circumstance. That mommy that will always have the best interest of her daughter at heart and would fight to get what she deserves. That mommy that will not take anything for granted, and will invest everything she has, her time and her energy and all that she has to give. That mommy that will always put her child’s needs first before her own. That mommy who will always be encouraging and will always believe. That mommy that will always be proud of her children.
Now, for many nights I find myself praying, by god's grace, to be able to handle this... that I was cut out for this huge of a task and immensity of ambition.
The dream is still there, and the chance to make it a reality is still here. Not in the way I pictured it to be, but it most certainly is still a good life to build on that dream.
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.