I just realized that my Isabella stopped playing with sounds… she does not coo, or babble as much as she did. I realized that she hardly really babbled or cooed. She would however make sounds that seem like she is calling for us. But that was mostly it.
A lot of children with WHS are nonverbal…. So if my Isabella will grow up non verbal, it should not really surprise me. However, when I spoke to a friend of mine who is a speech pathologist regarding this babbling issues I have been having, she adamantly had to confirm my strong suspicions that my daughter would most likely fall into the non verbal category of WHS children. And as much as I knew about this possibility, I felt a pinch in my heart.
So, this weekend I found myself in a place where I was praying fervently…. In that moment of sincere and deep prayer, I was bargaining with God. I was trying to cut him a deal to perform a miracle and make the “speech happen”. Then I started crying.
I cried not because of pain…. I cried because for the first time, I understand the meaning and depth of the word “desperation”. I was in a very desperate place. I came to understand that “desperation” can so easily be mistaken for hope, however the underlying emotion between hope and desperation are entirely different emotions.
Forlorn hope aka desperation is losing focus of the good promises that lie in the future…. Positive hope is keeping things in perspective and having a happy and contented disposition… it is more than just optimism, it is believing, it is having faith, it is taking in that unknown future with a trust that is enveloped with spiritual grace.
I then stopped my bargaining process with the Lord. I came to realize that there is no need to bargain for anything. I get what I get and I should be content.
Why pray for a miracle?
My daughter is not sick.
A trade or bargain will not change things.
I don’t think that it could ever be possible to wake up one day and find my Isabella “normal”.
Nothing is wrong with having a daughter like mine.
Nothing is wrong with Isabella.
She is fine and she is happy and she will be who she is going to be and she will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Why pray for a miracle?
Have I not completely accepted her?
I should by now.
I should have, by now, accepted my lot wholeheartedly.
Next time I find myself in a place of desperation… the miracle I would be praying for is for my complete conversion to acceptance.
I so desperately need that kind of miracle in times that I lose sight of positive hope.