Sunday, April 04, 2010

Life Goes On

I thought my life was over the moment that it became official that my daughter has special needs. There have been many nights wherein i was crying my eyes out greiving for the loss of my perfect child, grieving for the loss of the child that i want and wish for my daughter to be, and grieving for the loss of the life that i wish to have. Back then i felt that my life is over and suicide sounded like a very sweet option... if only i can find that courage in me to do it. But i can't and i felt immense fear and shame and i just wanted to sink in a hole and stay there forever. The only other option i felt i had was isolation.

But life as i know it cannot stop. Even if i bury myself in the darkest abyss, everything will keep on moving forward and if i do not go with the flow i will be left behind if not be forever stuck. I had to choose to unfocus on the "have nots". I have to stop resisting the urge to move on and rid myself from finding comfort in depression and anger.

I have a husband and another child that depend on me. I have my family, my friends, my career. I still have the "haves" for what can make my life something to be worthy of living. I have Isabella. She needs me.

I should not let fear of the uncertain stop me from moving on. And just when i started to teach myself to take things a day at a time, i discovered (or is it rediscovered?)the gifts that each present moment brings.

I learned to see the what lies behind the tape and NG tube on my daughter's face.... and let her beauty shine way past what the doctors call "dysmorphic features". And upon giving my daughter credit that she has a potential to develop, i saw the strides that she was able to make in such a short period of time. I appreciated each eye contact, each moment that she visually tracks, each cooing sound, each progress on head control, each effort to put her hands together, each grip on my finger, each incidental effort to put her hands in her mouth or to reach for things... each smile that was meant for me.

The smiles were the best part... it took her 3 1/2 months to flash us her social smile.... that smile that let me know for the first time that she recognizes mommy.

I love you baby Isay! There are a lot of "nevers" that i have read about regarding your syndrome, but we will show the world that you are not a mere statistic and you are capable of so much more than what literature dictates.

This spring break, the whole family went for a 3 day San Francisco getaway... i realized that my life has not stopped at all. It almost feels like it is barely beginning. And the discovereies of what lies ahead, 'im sure, will be an exciting adventure.


Kisses4Kaylee said...

Isay sounds like she is doing so well-- she is a beautiful baby girl, and she has a beautiful mother. It has been hard to get to that place of reassurance that our little girls' lives will not be dictated by anyone or anything besides themselves, but we are getting there. You have my heart and my prayers, my friend, that Isay continues to grow and that you continue to enjoy those magical moments when she shows you that spunk and strong will! For any day where you feel overwhelmed, may you be met with another two-- even more-- where you are filled with hope, love, and excitement! xo

SisforScorpio said...

I read often, but I didn't know you were from Cali! We live in Sacramento. What part of the valley are you from?

Liz said...

I am so proud to be your friend, your words inspire me. You truly amaze me with your strength.